Archive for Monsters

Monstrous Makeovers

Posted in Blogging Memes, Everday Living, Scaddy Kiddies, Stuff And Nonsense, You can do these! with tags , , , , on 29/09/2009 by gwenguin1

Voice over spooky music, screen fades to stylised monster images.


“Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and monsters! Welcome to the premiere of ‘Monstrous Makeovers’. I am your hostess, Medusa.”


Close-up of hostess snakes on her scalp in a restless French Twist.


She is wearing an obviously designer gown, flawless make-up and jewel studded dark glasses.


“Halloween is growing closer every day, and there are a lot of worthy monsters being left out of the number One night for monsters.” Medusa moves a comfortable arrangement of couch and chairs at centre stage. She seats herself on an immaculate fainting couch upholstered in deep blood-red Panné velvet.


“Tonight our guest will be La Llorona. But first, a word from our sponsors.”


Cut to commercials-


Nature’s Farms Dried Fruits)

“Do your little monsters prefer their Halloween candy to good healthy food? This year, why not hand out snack packs of Nature’s Farms dried fruits? Full of nutrition and natural sweetness, these snacks won’t have kids’ Moms sitting up with a child that ate way too much candy.”


(Costume Barn)

“Are you tired of wearing the same tired, old costumes for trick or treat parties? Come down to the Costume Barn across from the Wonder Bread/Hostess Outlet Store. We have some one-of-a-kind costumes that are sure to be a hit at any party. We have costumes for every budget and size.”


(51st Street Bakery)

“Is your party in need of some fresh-baked goodies? At the 51st Street Bakery our talented cake decorators can make a cake that will add the perfect touch to any party. From Litter box cakes to skull-shaped cookies, we have a selection that can’t be beat!”


Fade in to centre stage, and Medusa, breaking up a dispute between two snakes, while never losing a bit of her poise.


“Welcome back to our television audience. To those living in the American Southwest, this lady needs no introduction. She’s known for her passion, and love of water. Please give a warm welcome to La Llorona!”


Enter La Llorona from stage left, Medusa stands and kisses the air close to La Llorona’s cheeks.


“Please sit here dearie.” Medusa motions to a wingback chair in darkest blue figured satin. La Llorona sits gracefully, gathering the tatters of her shawl closer to her chest.


“Tell us, in your own words, why you would like to be a part of the Halloween Festivities, and what you hope to gain from a Monstrous Makeover.”


Pan from Medusa to a close-up of La Llorona.


Well, I really love children, and since I’ve lost my own, I miss playing with children, and making up stories to tell them.”


“What stories did you tell your children before you drowned them?” Medusa smoothed a yawning snake back behind her left ear, and dangling shield-shaped earrings.


“I will always regret making that mistake. I should have known better, but I let passion cloud my thinking.” Her spectral face shivered for a moment under the lights.


Medusa patted La Llorona’s hand sympathetically. “When we get back from commercial break, we’ll let the audience ask questions of our guest, and then vote on whether or not La Llorona should get a monstrous make-over in time for Halloween.”


Fade to commercials:


(The Candy Company)

“Are your kids staying home for a party instead of Trick-or-Treating this year. Have you heard one too many horror stories about deadly treats in treat bags. This year, let the Candy Company create wonderful, one of a kind treat bags for your little ghouls and beasts.”


(Public Service Announcement- Centre Street Hospital)

“Why worry about the goodies your kids get Trick-or-Treating? For the safety of our children, Centre Street Hospital is offering free X-rays of Halloween Treat bags until midnight on Halloween. While you’re here you can pick up pamphlets and poisoning, with Poison Control’s Toll-Free number on every pamphlet. Make your family’s Holiday safe and fun.”


(Pretty Miss Cosmetics)

“Do you get tired of trying to paint your family’s faces for Halloween, and ending up with ugly smears instead? For less than 5 dollars per person, Pretty Miss’s make-up artists can give you Hollywood-style face painting, with hypoallergenic, food-safe cosmetics. We will be open until midnight on Halloween for your face-painting needs.”


Fade to audience at Monstrous Makeovers:


“You there in the third row, in the tacky aqua sweater set.” Medusa points to a nervous young woman, with her hand timidly raised.


“Uh… Yes… La Llorona, how do we know that our children would be safe around you?” Her words are almost lost in the tumult of agreement from the rest of the audience.


“I have been punished for over 100 years for what I did to my own ninos, I have no right to make any other mother suffer like I have. Now all I want is for all the children to be safe and have a Happy Halloween.”


La Llorona stands under a spotlight.


“If I was lucky enough to become a part of Halloween, my costume would be as safe as possible. Light-coloured clothes, with glow-in-the-dark accents, face paint instead of masks, and sturdy shoes for little feet to be protected.” Her words are met with some boos, mixed with a lot of cheers.


“All right studio audience, pick up your voting boxes and vote yes or no. When we return from this commercial break we’ll have the results of your vote.”


Fade to commercials:


(Special Holiday Event)

“Thursday night, uncut, and without commercial interruption; see the holiday tradition “It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”, running from 8 to 8:30 p.m. Share thus heart-warming story from your childhood with your family.”


(Willard’s IGA Grocery)

“This week, and through Halloween, Willard’s IGA has pumpkins, corn stalks, fog machines, and all of your party needs for super-low prices. We’re so sure that we have the best prices we will meet and beat any competitors’ prices on the same product. If you bring in an ad showing a competitor with a lower price, we will not only meet their price, we will knock and additional 10% off our already low prices.”


(Shadowville YMCA)

“The Shadowville YMCA wants your family to have a safe and memorable Halloween. This year we are having Halloween Parties for children, teens, and adults, as well as films running all night in our recreation room, hayrides, and a huge haunted house, all for your family’s fun. We will serve a simple dinner, and have plenty of treats for everyone. Make your Halloween easy, memorable, and fun with the YMCA!”


Fade to Medusa and La Llorona standing centre stage.


“Welcome back everyone!” Medusa silenced a snake hissing from the swirl of her French Twist before continuing. “We have had in incredible response to La Llorona’s plight. Not only did the whole studio audience vote, our phone lines are still jammed with calls from all over the world!”


La Llorona blushed faintly, and smiled crookedly.


“The audience has let their wishes be known with a landslide vote!! An amazing 97% of you voted yes! You want La Llorona to have a Monstrous Makeover, and be a continuing part of Halloween traditions!”


Close-up of La Llorona’s startled face, before she bursts into tears.


“A special note to our home audience- if you know of a monster you think deserves a Monstrous Make-over please e-mail us at www., or text us at 1031 2009, standard texting rates apply.


Be sure to tune in again next week to see the results of La Llorona’s Makeover, and to see our next guest Monster.


Stay tuned for our Friday Night Retrospective Movie, “The Creature From the Black Lagoon”.”


{{OK gang, here’s your chance, write your own letter to the TV station, and let us know why your Monster should recieve the Makeover.}}